let me fucking live

i need to breathe to get the hell out of here. i cant take it nymore! knowin the fact tht youre still here, makes me wanna puke! to the father i once knew. i cant stand you! the reason why i got into this skool is cause we've got no money for kdu nymore. you used all our skool money on whtever shitt business youre doing! you used my college money tht i now hav to work hard in my studies to be sponsored to go to college! i wished you'll understand, but you dont. ppl see you as a great father to me. but youre not, they dont know wht you did to me. and i hate you. i hate you ever since you laid your hands on my mom. you hurt her, the memories of tht night still runs in my mind. you were drunk, you were never homed, you had an affair, you werent there for me, for our time, my performances, my awards, you werent busy. and i hav to hear her cry everyday, every night ever since i was 7. you made her sick, and you see tht she has migrane and high blood pressure now, cause of you, mom isnt the same nymore. wht ever happened to you? i dont rmbr nice memories tht you've given. ive seen photos of us havin fun as i was a kid. you brought me everywhere wit you. and i dont rmbr them. i dont regret you cause you were someone tht once made me smile. and i still dont regret it now. i just cant stand seein you. the memories tht still runs in my mind are your abuses. i wish everyone could see the real you. the only ppl who sees tht is mom and i. you were wasted, drunked as i can rmbr. you came home, you were furious, mom did nothing at all. she knew you were havin an affair. she cried, but she did nothing. i may be a kid at tht moment. but i understood them. you raised your hands on her. and i fuckin hate you for tht. on tht night. it was one of my worst memories, i saw everything. i was by the stairs. mom couldnt handled it nymore, she said for a divorced. you caused her so much sadness and emptiness in her. and she's now not the same nymore. i love her and i hav to hear her cry. i hate knowin tht fact tht i cry wit her. every night. i cry just to forget wht you did. but i can never forget. everytime i see you, i can only see tht night. you left us, you hav a new wife. you married her. you spend time wit her. i dont know you. i cant say much. she's 20 years younger. i dont hate her, i dont know her. but she was mom's assistant. you used my money on her. the brothers are at your side cause they dont believe us. tho they know wht you did to me, they were there. they saw wht you did. and yet they like you. i dont understand why, how can someone forgive you? i was sent to church all the time, was thought to forgive, was thought to forget. its no used. i pray and yet youre worst as ever. why doesnt the sun shine on me? i love the rain. no one can see me cryin under the rain, cause they wont know. ive been emotional, im not well. im stressed, im tired. and its all because of you! how many times do i hav to faint just to be stronger? just to know tht im alive after every fall? why are you still here? why cant you stop pretendin? why do i hav to be saved so many times? im saved, to be here for mom. i'll do whtever it takes for her. to make her happy, to see her smile. but wit you in our memories. i dont know when it'll be over. i cry for mom, not cause of you. i can never be happy knowin the fact tht she isnt. xoxo