in times like these, i just wanna die

I tried to die. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. For being selfish. For being intolerable. For being irritating. For trying too hard. For saying the wrong things. For hurting innocent people. For making people cry. For pushing those that cared away. For not knowing how to make things right. I'm sorry for not being as well polished as everyone around me. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry for not being smart enough. I'm sorry for not being talented enough, an excellent mind. I'm sorry if you regret wasting your time and money on me. I'm sorry you have to compare me to everyone else, because I'm not what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry for not coruscating as brightly as the other girls. I apologize for giving you a reason to scream, shout, hit me everyday. I'm sorry you have to look at me with disgust. I'm sorry the thought of disowning me ever crossed your mind. I'm sorry for not being an outstanding individual, daughter, friend. Person. I hope you forgive me for not trying to change, even though I know its for my own well being. I hope you forgive me, for procrastinating, for ignoring, for laughing, for cursing, for disappointing. All those times you needed me, and I wasn't there. Please don't hate me for being prone to jealousy, to perfection. To anything remotely better than I. Please don't think lesser of me, please don't see me as fraudulant and wrathful. Please don't turn away from me, for being different. Please don't say I am everything you stand against. I am begging you. To not question how I think. To not look at me with hate, to not condemn me. To not criticize the way I dress, the way I talk, the way I look, the way I am. To not label me. To not exclude me, for I do feel, I do. And I want to be apart of whatever. To not judge me on appearance. To not give up on me. I do not wish to be worthless. I do not want you to cry for me, I do not want to cry for myself. I do not want you to cry for me, I do not want to cry for myself. I do not want to look at other people, and want to be more like them. For I have told myself, that I will not be defined by what others are. I do not possess the power to make anyone happy, I try. I am not a good person, I have done things that I am not proud of. I am a fake. I am weak. I am a coward. I am condemned. I am selfish. I am inadequate. I am rude. I am immature. I am unbareable. I am temperamental. I am worthless. I am insignificant. I am nothing. I am useless. Now, would you believe me if I said I didn't need you ? 'Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.

xxx